language errors

“I tried dick for the first time last weekend” and other things I’ve said to my fiance’s mom.

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While visiting Chillán a few weekends ago I tried the fruit, membrillo for the first time. It’s like a pear, except sour and harder. They told me either you love it or you hate it, but I simply liked it. We brought back a gift for my suegra (an inclusive term that is used for both one’s mother-in-law and one’s boyfriend’s mom) and we had dinner with her the next week.

At the dinner table, I got my vowels mixed up and I announced proudly, “I tried miembro [dick] for the first time last weekend!” Silence. I realized my error. “Did I say the wrong one?”  I knew they were similar and that I had to be wary, so I gave it thought beforehand and yet my brain decided that miembro was the non-dick option. Nope. Absolutely wrong. We moved on with dinner.

During the same dinner, my suegra was describing a show where cameramen follow people driving who previously had their licenses revoked because of DUIs. During the week, I had done a writing exercise about a Supreme Court decision and I tried using one of my new vocabulary words, fallo, to describe the court rulings on the drunk drivers. Even though I know the double “ll” sound, I had only read the word before and it came out with only one “l.” I said falos, as in, “but do the police know about their falos [penises]?”

My poor suegra looked bewildered, it was not at all obvious what I wanted to say, and later I apologized. She’s probably used to me saying totally inappropriate things by now, but it’s still rude dinner conversation. Not my best night.

This probably wouldn’t even be a problem if I had more conversations about the male anatomy, although the chances of me learning even half of the words Chileans use for it while we’re here seems pretty slim.

This episode has been added to the “My Cat Doesn’t Shit” post, among me announcing an non-existent pregnancy and buying bread from the dildos. I’m sure I’ve said even weirder things, but most Chileans are too polite to mention it.

La Caga and My First Completo

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Last night Carlos and I went out with a few of his college friends. Earlier in the night, I had asked him how to say, “the mess”. He told me, la caga. I really should have known then that it was a swear word, all the signs were there. La caga aptly describes a mess and is fine to say among friends, but it’s totally inappropriate most places. At the time, I had forgotten the times I had heard Carlos yell it at soccer players.

Later in the evening we went to a restaurant and I was eating my first true Chilean completo. A completo is a long hotdog, placed in a long flaky bun, with about four inches of toppings piled on top. There are probably twice as much toppings as there is hotdog meat, or more. Toppings usually include avocado, mayo, ketchup, diced tomato, and sometimes sauerkraut. Carlos had made them for me before, but they were always very manageable. This one was massive and messy. Plus, I was two mojitos to the wind and what I liked to call a gringa economica, otherwise known as a lightweight or cheap date. Subsequently, I made a huge mess trying to eat my completo. Crumbs from the flaky bun were everywhere and toppings kept falling off. Our friends even convinced me to pick the toppings off of the table and put them back on the completo. Ugh. To my credit, Carlos reassured me that it was definitely not a “novice-level completo” and he even had his own pile of crumbs.

When the waiter came to clean up, I was embarrassed by the terrific mess of the completo and when I tried to remember how to say “mess” I remembered “la caga”.  I said, “Lo siento para la caga!” and gestured to the table. Carlos burst out laughing, as did everyone else, and the waiter looked taken aback. I had declared, “I’m sorry for the shit!” in a fairly inappropriate context. It was later explained to me that it’s only okay to use among friends, and luckily everyone was extremely amused.